To the edge and back.
Updating the blog usually means that I get to write about fun stuff and cool things happening around me. And sure, there are lots of news about new ventures, another awesome summer tour and so many cool collaborations and musical experiences, both in the past and in the near future.
But there's one thing that happened last year keeps casting its shadow on every step along the way.
I won't go into much detail, but let's just say that it involves a client who hasn't paid the piper. As a result of that I have had to face myself in some pretty hairy situations, dealing with myself under pressure. It also meant that I've been on the verge of giving this whole thing up. I started my way in the music business with the sole promise to never make it about money. But when money is the only thing that matters in order for you to survive and move forward, every gig becomes a chore. And I hate that feeling more than anything.
I branched out into an LLC and started Limiter just to get away from the pressure of having to play all the time just to survive. Well guess what? When the banks say no, your friends drain their bank accounts and you lie in your bed at night not sure wether this is going to work or not, that whole talk about survival evolves into a whole new monster.
I promised myself long ago that I wouldn't let anyone get the best of me, and I still live by that rule. But the person staring back in the mirror doesn't have that sparkle in the eyes anymore. That changed along the way, together with the growing feeling of that it just wasn't worth it anymore.
It took a few weeks inside my apartment, rarely leaving the comfort of my own bed to rebuild my faith in myself. But lots of things had changed. I was angry, I lashed out at people, I ate more than I should have, (and all the wrong kinds of food of course). I drank way too much. And I didn't tell anyone about it because I was sure that I could ride it out. In the end it was the drinking that changed everything. I knew that it wasn't a choice, and it's never a solution. Just a crappy excuse to forget everything for a while. But I let it happen, and I had to fight even harder to get back on track.
I ditched the bottle and married my work instead. And thanks to my beautiful and amazing family, my ever loving friends, and that gut feeling that you're always stronger than you give you credit for, I'm now in a place where things are OK. Not good, but ok. And it's a great feeling. I can finally start the final preparations for the release of the solo album, focus on the summer tour, and look myself in the mirror and smile a bit.
Anyone who knows depressions know that they bring you down. And what goes up must eventually come down. But I'm not here to follow the rules. From now on I'm gonna break them in the most creative ways, and prove to the ones that took advantage of me that this motherfucker won't be broken. Ever.
So a toast to my enemies. They fought beautifully but the future belongs to me now.
Oh, and: Fuck you.