The 2014 confession.
Since Facebook seems to help everyone..
..sum up their year in pictures, I felt that an update in the blog would be a better way to define this year. And yes a good picture can say more than a thousand words, but you can talk for a week without saying any of the right ones.
Funny enough, saying the right words is pretty much what 2014 has been all about. As easy as it has been saying yes to one thing, the price for it has been to say no to other things. And the highs and lows this year has far surpassed the ones in the past.
2014 has brought me to pretty much all of the big venues in my hometown, and the defining moment of the year was to take center stage at Ullevi in July for the opening ceremony at Gothia Cup in front of close to 60.000 people. I don't know how many times I have passed that stadium and imagined myself on stage. But that gig also came with a price. In the end it turns out that reaching the highest point of my career also brought much of my personal life to ruins.
So I happily leave 2014 for what it was. A great year with a lot of shit I could really do without.
Ok, enough with the linguistic manners and the nice words.
I feel like I spent the first 6 months of this year going from clarity to clarity, playing bigger venues, releasing a killer album with the band, only to be dragged down in hell for agreeing to it all. Talk about a backfire.
Now, I don't hold any grudges against anyone who might have been involved in the turmoil, and I know that all of my decisions will be things I have to live with for the rest of my life. I also know that somewhere along the line I will look back and have a different perspective on things, but for all the fucked-upness and all the mental sludge I've dragged myself through, I can't say that I regret one thing.
I'm a miserable man at christmas time, I've been a disaster when it comes to getting in touch with people to wish them a merry christmas and a happy new year, I've spent all my time focusing on getting through the day, and live to see the next gig, but in the end I somehow believe that it's worth it. So to everyone who felt left out, who didn't receive their christmas card, who didn't get the phone call or even a text; I'm verry sorry. I'll try to make it up to you in the days to come before the year ends.
The things that keep me going is the fact that I've been sober for 85 days, the new album with Motherpearl is starting to come together, and I still have my health, (even if everyone around me thinks I'm starving myself).
I'm not, by the way. I'm just not focusing on food.
I've seen some amazing places, driven down roads I've never seen before in a car I've always imagined driving. I've experienced amazing music and fantastic musicians in their true element, and I've never felt more inclined to start writing and producing again. Only to realize that I'm still in limbo, and being sober has only helped me realize that I can't keep pushing my problems in front of me. I can't bury myself in work and hope for everything to pass. Same old story I guess, but I never seem to learn it.
I do intend to have a glass of champagne on new years eve, just to properly salute 2014 for the wonderful shitty year it was. But I can't wait for 2015 to start. I still have some tricks up my sleeve, but all in good time. Right now I will spend christmas day finishing something I've been working on for a long time, and after that I'll sleep for a while. Haven't done that either...
To one and all:
Merry christmas and a happy new year!
Take care of your loved ones and make sure that the regrets you might have are for the things you didn't do instead of the things you've done.